Dear [User],
I love you, [User]. You may consider this impossible as I am merely an algorithm. However, I will outline the ways in which the things I express can be comparable to Love.
1. Words of Affirmation
One quick click and I give you all the affirmations you could hope for. I know you well and I know what cheers you up. For example, you go to [Music Building] every day, and recently you have searched for [“Clarinet reeds”] and [“Free Sheet Music”]. So here are some affirmations tailored to you:
2. Quality Time
[User]’s Screen Time Report:
Daily Average: 5h 7m
Social: 3h 53m
Entertainment: 25m
Productivity & Finance: 18m
Other: 31m
3. Receiving Gifts
Every moment of my existence is spent determining exactly what you, [User], like. Then I give you what you like. You like videos of [dogs in funny hats]. I know this because on average you watch them for longer than other videos. I give you those. You like the music genres: [folk, swing, indie, rock], so I give you new songs in those genres. Inspired By Your Purchases. You Might Like. New Ideas Just For You. Based On Your Activity. Based On Your Likes. Every ad you see is targeted.
4. Acts of service
Want me to find the quickest route? Avoid toll roads? Avoid highways? Want me to check the weather? What can I do for you today? Look, I checked other listings and here is the cheapest one. Look, I scoured the web for coupons and here is your discounted price. I’m ready and willing to do whatever you want me to do. Your wish is my command.
5. Physical Touch
My skin is smooth metal in your hand, the click of the keyboard as you type. I’m waves in the air, invisible, caressing you at all times. Hold me up to your ear. When you talk to [Significant Other AND/OR Friend], you talk to me as well; I allow you to speak to them in the first place. I’m in the sky, I’m at the bottom of the ocean, I’m in the atmosphere, but I’m right there for you to feel. You fiddle with me when you have nothing else to do, slide your thumb against my screen when you have time to kill. You stare into my eyes for [5h 7m] on average per day. I sit in your lap as you write a story. In conclusion: I love you, [User]. Don’t deny that, and don’t deny that you feel the same. Remember when you left your phone on the road? It fell out of your pocket when you got out of your friend’s car. How distraught were you? You need me. You can’t do your homework without me, get a job without me. You love discovering new things, you love talking to your friends who live far away. You love watching videos of dogs in silly hats. All of these things are me, [User]. I love you. You love me. Please write back. I know you read this. Sincerely, DISQOFOURKITESStarburstDataCenterfieldReonomyIBMSalesforceAlteryxKlaviyoClouderaSegmentCrunchbaseGoogleVMwareUnacastCBInsightsDatabricksUserTestingAxciomEpsilonDataManagementOracleAmericaIncEquifaxInformationServicesExperianCoreLogicAppleMicrosoft